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Saturday, February 7, 2009

Coming out of the PMS fog

Another fine example of why I believe God intervenes through others. This is where I know all "spiritual awakenings" don't necessarily come with harps and angels.

As I sat in the office of my Pastor we discussed my life. She asked me how I was doing, I told her not very well, I had a very rough week. My poor husband and I suffered the raft of my PMS, how it was absolutely the worse case of PMS I have ever experienced. My mind/ego went to all sorts of places, thinking he didn't love me, thinking he had to go on this sudden trip to his family to run away from me and to never come back. My mind thought I would leave him and go back home to my family and friends, my mind went everywhere a happily married woman's mind should NOT go.

Now don't ask me how I got to the point of mentioning sugar to her, but I did and I am totally drawing a blank as to why we were talking about it. She replied how some people were affected by sugar and how it did strange things to them not only physically but emotionally and this is where the proverbial light bulb went off. I told her how I spent the week proceeding and during my PMS binging on donuts, cakes, more donuts and more cakes. I snuck them into the house and abused them like a drug. I had abused so much sugar during the last 2 weeks that I truly believe that is the single most important reason as to why my PMS was so unforgiving!

OMG! I have to stop using sugar for my own emotional well being! I believe that, I really do. I know I'm not willing to go through this again, I can't. I will be divorced in less than 6 months if this keeps up. The self-loathing, the doubt, the distrust, the fears, I can't do this again.

Another awakening came upon me, the dawning that I am an alcoholic who follows a 12 step program to which I am not applying towards my eating habits, most especially towards my sugar addiction (carbs too?). I am not applying any of the 12 steps to this emotionally and physically dangerous addiction. Here I'm thinking I'm doing well with my sobriety, well yes I haven't drank in over 9 years, kudos but have I replaced the bottle with a boxes of Little Debbie Zebra cakes!

A blessing in all this were my 3 pets; 2 cats and a 3 month old puppy. Every time I would go play with my puppy, I would somehow forget that the world was a dark place to be. Looking at her cute face, training her, loving her would make all the darkness almost non-existent for that period of time or when I'd go cuddle up with the cats and my youngest cat (1 year old female) who is deaf and gray would lie on her back and meow with her little voice always asking a question (don't ask, I know, she always asks questions, she's like me). Or my male, he's half mane coon, he's been with me almost 9 years, he's the true love of my life, always loyal, always ready to protect me and those he loves. He'd "own" me or sleep by my feet or I'd see his beautiful face and melt, because I could forget for a moment that I was feeling sad or mad. Thank God for our 4-legged children.

My granddaughter is coming over today, she's coming to chill with Gramma and Papa, and she'll be spoiled rotten which is OK because if anyone deserves to be spoiled it's her.

Thanks for reading, I feel better today, I've been up since 4:00am so a nap and a shower is in order before she comes for her overnight visit. She always makes me smile so it looks as though it's going to be a good day today.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Coming Out of Secret Safe Place

No, I'm not coming out of the sexual orientation closet but I am coming out of hiding. I've been hiding to long and I'm not even talking about this blog, I'm talking about life, my weight, my obesity. Yesterday I did something that I would never have imagined I'd do before, I actually told my cousin how much I weighed. Albeit this was done by email and yes of course I fear judgment but wtf it is what it is and I can't hide.

You see I think if I keep hiding from people or from telling people about the real me I will not lose weight because I'm in hiding. Maybe my subconscious will stop it from happening or my evil ego will I don't know but I believe the old adage, you are only as sick as your secrets. So if I slowly let people into my world, that dark fat world maybe I'll be able to change.
"This blog is so much more then writing about my weight loss journey it has become an extension in helping me know who I am and who I can be."